What am I doing?

What am I doing? I know that I’m overseas and supposed to be I relax mode, but once again I have that double thinking happening. Double thinking that I am running away from something, because that’s what I do, I run away from problems then face them.
For example, I keep saying I’ll quit nursing, travel the world. Does that mean I don’t want to be a nurse and study something else or have a life behind the desk. Next year I would’ve been a real nurse, that’s really really grown up, having someone else’s life in my hands and I’ve just turned 21. That scares the shit out of me. Maybe I can keep deferring but then what would I do with my life. S.eep and work, because I know when I go home I’ll be working my ass off again and all those weird hours.
Or am I just running away from my problems, like. It facing that my mum is having a mental breakdown and I’m not there to help her through so does that mean that I feel guilty for being overseas and. It able to help her, which is why I’m resorting to alcohol and cigarettes. Boys I don’t even want to go there, hearing both from douche bag 1 and douche bag 2. Like why contact me when I’m overseas, I’m away to get away from you and be a hoe bag but you’re always there in the back of my mind. Wtf!!!!!!!!! Like yes douche bag 1 I will never forgot you but please stop being in my dreams.
Maybe that’s why I put up a barricade to protect myself because in reality I’m broken and I don’t know where any pieces are. Which is why I can sleep with some people but not others because they are close to deciphering the real me, the me that I don’t even know. It makes sense in away because I feel I hide myself through the facade of smoking, that I smoke in front of my real friends but at other times I won’t smoke in front of other people because I feel that they judge me, or they just get niggly.
This post is clearly turning turning into a drunk post about a lost person, that’s probably the best way to describe myself right now.

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